Legacy of Magic Bonus: Interview with Varlesh Sarrlevi

As the author responsible for recording the biography of half-dwarf/half-human Matti Puletasi’s life, I wish to be thorough, so I’m venturing out to speak to some of her acquaintances. Even the dangerous ones. Even the elven assassins. I’ve armed myself with three kinds of exotic salads (catnip to elves, I understand) from the fancy organic grocery store in the hope of mellowing Sarrlevi a touch so he’ll answer my questions. Let’s see how it goes!

Hello, Varlesh Sarrlevi. Or do you prefer Mr. or Lord Sarrlevi?

I am of noble blood.

So, Lord. Got it. Did you enjoy the gift of exotic lettuces and kales? Are you willing to answer a few questions about yourself? 

To what end?

I’m writing a biography on Matti’s life and adventures. You’re been a part of them lately. I want the text to be thorough. 

Thus to create a publication that will lead the unwashed, armpit-scratching miscreants that seek her magical hammer to her doorstep?

No, no, this is for readers who enjoy following the exploits of people having interesting adventures. They’re great people. I’m positive they bathe regularly and hardly ever dig in their own armpits. 

*silent stare*

Some of them even like reading about you! 

The females.

That’s possibly true. I can see you’re busy, so I’ll get to the first question…

You’re spending a lot of time with Matti, but your feelings for each other are a bit ambiguous. I’m not sure she knows what to make of you.  How would you describe your relationship?

Feelings are important to include in the biography?

Oh, yes. Readers love feelings. 

You said they enjoy interesting adventures. In the short time we’ve worked together, we’ve battled many foes. Shall I detail the maimings, beheadings, and eviscerations of our enemies? 

Uh, no. I’ve already noted the beheadings, and the readers actually aren’t that big on detailed descriptions of eviscerations.

They sound squeamish.

Maybe so. About the feelings… Do you like Matti? Or are you only hanging around with her because of your personal goals?

I will not share information that could be used by our enemies.

Like feelings?

Precisely.

But you consider Matti’s enemies to be your enemies? You said our enemies. That suggests you’re aligned with her, or wish to be, doesn’t?

It is not healthy for biographers to pry into the affairs of assassins. 

Okay, we’ll skip those questions. What can you speak about? Did you like the salads? The Herbivore Hash? What about the Phytophagous Produce Pack? I was impressed by the vocabulary word on the deli sign.

They are adequate.

I’ll let the deli know that you raved.

*Silent stare*

Next question, you say? Do you have any hobbies? 

Honing my magic-using and weapons-fighting skills, the better to hunt down targets and compete my missions.

Uhm, yes, we know about that. But how do you relax after you’ve hunted and slain? Do you like to read? You had books on the shelves of your study.

As you know, that study—and house—was destroyed by dragons.

Yes, that is unfortunate. But do none of your other houses have books? Games? Musical instruments? Do young elves learn to play the piano? 

They learn to play the tasasheyvo, a string instrument that emulates the rippling of a stream flowing over rocks. 

I’d think you’d be more of a drummer. You liked Matti’s metal music, didn’t you?

I am indifferent to Earth music.

All of it?

Yes. 

I bet you’re a hard person to Christmas shop for.

*bland gaze*

Okay, let’s move on. What motivates you? You told Matti about your past, your family. Do you feel driven by what happened when you were young?

I did not know I was sharing that story with her biographer. 

She didn’t tell me anything. I have a magical scrying device to better observe my subjects. 

To spy on them. 

As an assassin, you can’t object to such methods. You’re three hundred years old but have never had kids. Or a wife. Is that anything you desire? 

*tiniest hesitation that may have been imagined* I have earned many enemies over the years. It would be imprudent of me to have vulnerabilities that enemies can exploit. 

Like kids? 

Yes. 

Maybe you could retire, and your enemies would forget about you. 

They have long memories. Some are dragons. 

Inconvenient. 

Yes. 

You could have your family and hide out in a wild world. I hear dragons aren’t hot on Earth. 

Few intelligent and sane beings are. It is a cesspit infested with mediocre people squabbling over substandard resources. One can barely summon decent magic here. 

Thus making it the perfect place to hide. Who would bother looking for you here?

We will end this discussion now. 

Because you have a date with Matti? 

I am bringing her cheese. 

A hot date. 

*baleful look*

~

That’s it, folks. My apologies for the brevity. Sarrlevi wasn’t as forthcoming with me as I would have wished. If I’d asked more questions, he might have drawn his swords…